I'm back

I'm Baaaaccckkk! (I have always wanted to say that lol)

I am certain that no one knew that I was even gone since I was so determined  to have this blog then posted only four times and proceeded to forgot my password and could not return to post anymore.  Yes I forgot my password and just did not have the gumption to try to figure it out or retrieve it somehow. 

However, today I became inspired again and it is truly through my journey with God over the last silent month that I have become inspired again.  I think for a moment He had me going through and had to silence me so that I could hear strictly from Him.  Not friends or loved ones or even myself but only Him.  He has been taking off the old me and peeling off layers of things I had long forgotten.  It is almost like you are deep in your closet and you forgot about a certain shirt or jacket that you use to wear and it brings back memories maybe some good maybe some not so good and if you are like me instead of getting a bag together to give away to Goodwill you hang it back up in the closet thinking maybe I will wear it again one day knowing good and well you won't!  But God is cleaning out my closet, showing me old clothes, reminding me of old hurts and saying 'Honey, you will not be wearing this again, I have new and more exquisite clothes for you to wear and I need to get rid of these old things'. 

I know it is for His glory that this process must take place and I know that my story will be used to help others but I am telling you it has been a painful process.  One of the more painful experiences I have ever gone through and I have gone through some stuff.  But this time it is just  me and God doing this thing.  Work can't get in the way, life is not distracting me, busyness is not an obstacle.  God has removed everything that has ever hindered me from focusing on only Him so He can dig up some old roots of self destruction, hurt and strongholds. 

At first I was angry with God.  Because can't He prevent pain and hurt and tragedies?  Did He not say that I was a Child of His?  What parent would purposely allow their child to go through pain and suffering?  Then He reminded me that He sent His Beloved Son who was without sin to die a terrible death, to endure humiliation and pain and was guilty of nothing but loving His Father and loving me.  He had to go through all of that because He had a purpose on this earth and He was determined to fulfill His purpose.  I have to go through all of this because God has a purpose for me on this earth and I have determined that I will fulfill my purpose.  I would so rather go back to my empty life of work and busyness because it was easier and it hurt less (well so it seemed).  But to be honest with you I have nothing to show for it but regret, shame and even some sickness (mental and physical). 

So I am ready to do something different, something radical.  My way has not worked and in fact my way had me on the verge of losing my mind.  I am ready to really live, really get busy, and actually have something to show for it.

This is my journey to be more like Esther