Burn Out

I have never been one to only have one thing going on at a time.  I have worked three jobs for as long as I can remember.  I have raised my children on my own.  I really try not to ask for help if I can absolutely help it and yet I realized that God pulled me from that way of living because He wanted me to find rest.  I was literally about to lose my mind because of all the responsibilities I held and had held for many many years.  But now I think I am finding myself back in the same situation but this time in the name of working for God.

I have commitments to someone or something every single day and rarely am I resting. And as I prepare for tomorrow I am finding myself resenting a leader in the church because they are expecting me to be at a certain place at a certain time or so I think they are, they probably aren't even thinking about me and my small role I play at the church.  My tiredness may be leading me to irrational thoughts and once I have kept my commitments I always feel like it was not as bad as I had envisioned it would be. Actually I never really envision any of my commitments to be bad I just literally have to motivate myself to go.  I always enjoy the time I spent with the people I committed to or the places I committed to being but why do I find myself dreading the actual act.  I just want to sleep but nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream. 

In my past life, when I finally laid down to rest I would replay conversations or situations and sometimes cringe with regret or question what did someone really mean by that?  In this life even though I am busy, I always lay down having known this was a good day and I truly made a difference.  So again, what is it that I am dreading?  Making a difference? Having a good day?  Or expending the energy it takes to actually have a good and meaningful life? 

I have such a long way to go.  It is like I am trying to sabotage the plan God has for me.  I am always getting in the way and I am so ready to be over myself!  So I will be where I said I would be at the time I said I would be there and I will like it and when I lay down tomorrow night I will say this was a good day :)