Sleep

Sleep has been both a friend and an enemy of mine for years now.  I like to label myself an insomniac but I also have been diagnosed with depression.  So either I am up for hours, pushing through with little or no sleep or I am struggling to get out of bed trying desperately to hold on to the euphoria of escaping to a dreamless state for hours.  I have realized recently that this sleep thing for me is called a stronghold...any and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God (II Corinthians 10:5).  Anything that becomes a bigger preoccupation in your mind than the truth and knowledge of God, anything that dwarfs His truth and knowledge in your imagination is a stronghold. So if I have a relationship (sleep) through which I can no longer prioritize Christ and His Word...that is a stronghold (Beth Moore Get Out Of That Pit).  This sleep thing preoccupies my brain but only late at night and/or in the morning.  Either when I am having difficulty falling asleep or when I am having difficulty getting up!  I have made promises to God that I would wake up at a certain time and have quiet time with Him only to roll back over and hit the snooze button.  Then the guilt that comes with once again allowing sleep to take priority over my relationship with Him assuages me and I feel then I am not worthy or not disciplined enough to have a relationship that is meaningful to and with Him.  I think of all the sacrifices He has made for me, the physical and emotional pain He endured on my behalf, the millions of people who do not have 1/4 of the luxuries I enjoy, like a bed to roll over in, a bathroom that is just feet away without fear of being raped or killed, and hot water when I finally do decide to get out of bed and jump in the shower and I condemn myself and say...'it is such a simple sacrifice compared to the sacrifices millions around the world make to have a relationship with Him' and yet every morning I continue to roll over.  However, I tell people all the time God is so gracious, He knows what we are made of, He is in pursuit of our hearts, He continues to love us unconditionally.  I am sincere when I am sharing this with people fully expecting them to believe these things to be true and to accept it as truth in their lives yet I cannot accept it in my own life.  Then I began to feel defeated and living in a lifestyle of defeat and yes believe you me defeat becomes a lifestyle (Beth Moore Get Out Of That Pit).  So then my mind finally questions OK so who wins...the enemy for allowing me to 1) continue to be in this stronghold of sleep, 2) hold me in the stronghold of sleep by pulling me down with guilt and 3) allowing me to become comfortable in the stronghold or the pit, if you will, by creating a lifestyle of defeat that I think is a normal way of living.  Or does God win by reminding that His Word is true, that He does love me unconditionally, that He forgets my sins as far as the east is from the west, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that I am an overcomer and that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  So I am not perfect, I have a looooooong way to go, but just for today I am going to choose truth over lies and start stepping out of the pit, slipping away from the stronghold and knowing that it is not me who is doing the stepping or the slipping but that it is God.  Because I am going to roll over and hit the snooze button again, prayerfully not tomorrow (but I am human...that's what we do) but I also am going to believe that God is a God of another chance and that there have been so many strongholds that he has broken me from in the course of our journey together and there will be plenty more.  But becoming aware is a step and giving it over to Him is an even better step so at least I am moving forward and not backwards and I know I am not where I use to be but I am not where I once was.  So prayerfully, sleep here I come because another one of God's truths is He grants sleep to those He loves.  Goodnight ;-)