Faith

Today was extremely difficult.  I guess I assumed that because I had done basically all the right things, like sowing good seeds, swallowing pride, being obedient and making significant (in my opinion) sacrifices, that everything would work itself out.  However, that disappointingly is not the case.  I am still in the same boat I was in last week, the week before that and even the month before that.  I guess my question is when does my faith become a tangible, material, visual thing.  I know I have so much to be grateful for, healthy family members, my own good health and an almost sane mind, hot water, a vehicle to drive hell access to the World Wide Web at the touch of my finger tips.  I do not want to seem ungrateful or even ungracious but I need more.  I am not sure what that more consist of but when does doing all the right things begin to reap a harvest.  I listen endlessly to others at the sake of my own peace of mind, I am kind, I am loving and I just want peace.  That does not seem to be much to ask for but so unattainable.  I do want to be more like Esther who faced adversity with strength and dignity.  I hope when those who know me well will be able to say that I too face adversity with quiet strength and dignity but in my quiet time alone I feel defeated, scared, maybe a little hopeless.  I am just ready to get to the queen part.  Or at least the 12 months of beauty treatments before I become queen.  I realize Esther had to leave behind all she knew and loved in order to walk into that new life and maybe it was not even a life she even desired but once you have stepped away from all you know to embrace a new life that was not in your plans but obviously in God's plans when do you start seeing the pieces falling together.  Today my faith was shaken.  Not broken or torn but shaken and I am going to do what my counselor friend tells me and others to do often, feel that feeling for five minutes and let it go!  I feel my disappointment, I feel my fear, I feel my doubt, I feel the uncertainty but I also know He has so much more than what I had expected to receive on today in store for me.  He has a future in store for me, a plan and a hope to do good and not to harm me and I do want that, I want what He wants for me.  I know there is no easy way through this journey or to bypass it somehow but it just gets scary some time and I need/want to be able to say that.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new promises and so hope is not lost in fact all things are possible for those who believe...maybe I can sleep now!