Plan of Action

After only getting four hours of sleep last night (probably less than that) I expected this day to be arduous, tumultuous, long.  However I found it to be invigorating, blessed and full of lessons.  I have been on this journey for almost 6 months now and when I began this journey as all journeys begin, I had a plan of action. 

I like plans of action, so much so that my eight year old has been using that phrase for years because we use it in my household to get stuff done.  But what I am learning and although I have read it out of Proverbs a hundred times during my quiet times, is that God laughs at the plans of man.  God has His own plans for me.  Tonight I was reminded that God knows the plans He has for me.  Plans for good and not for evil to give me a future and a hope.  I like it best out of the Message where it is translated as God saying "I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I think I often make God small and I forget that He knows what He is doing. God's ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and He freakin knows what He is doing. 

If the plan of action I created 6 months ago had worked my life would be completely different right now.  It would look exactly the same as it did last year.  Maybe different picture in the frame of the person I may be dating, the kids are older, I am still tired.  But nothing, if my plan of action had worked, would really be different.  But walking in God's time table and in His perfect plan for my life.  My life looks completely different.  However, I guess if you were an outsider looking in you might not notice a change.  No picture in the dating frame, the kids look older, I am still tired.  But something is changing on the inside of me.  I am different.  I see my kids differently.  I see me differently. 

And so I am inclined to say hmmmm He knows what He's doing!

I'm back

I'm Baaaaccckkk! (I have always wanted to say that lol)

I am certain that no one knew that I was even gone since I was so determined  to have this blog then posted only four times and proceeded to forgot my password and could not return to post anymore.  Yes I forgot my password and just did not have the gumption to try to figure it out or retrieve it somehow. 

However, today I became inspired again and it is truly through my journey with God over the last silent month that I have become inspired again.  I think for a moment He had me going through and had to silence me so that I could hear strictly from Him.  Not friends or loved ones or even myself but only Him.  He has been taking off the old me and peeling off layers of things I had long forgotten.  It is almost like you are deep in your closet and you forgot about a certain shirt or jacket that you use to wear and it brings back memories maybe some good maybe some not so good and if you are like me instead of getting a bag together to give away to Goodwill you hang it back up in the closet thinking maybe I will wear it again one day knowing good and well you won't!  But God is cleaning out my closet, showing me old clothes, reminding me of old hurts and saying 'Honey, you will not be wearing this again, I have new and more exquisite clothes for you to wear and I need to get rid of these old things'. 

I know it is for His glory that this process must take place and I know that my story will be used to help others but I am telling you it has been a painful process.  One of the more painful experiences I have ever gone through and I have gone through some stuff.  But this time it is just  me and God doing this thing.  Work can't get in the way, life is not distracting me, busyness is not an obstacle.  God has removed everything that has ever hindered me from focusing on only Him so He can dig up some old roots of self destruction, hurt and strongholds. 

At first I was angry with God.  Because can't He prevent pain and hurt and tragedies?  Did He not say that I was a Child of His?  What parent would purposely allow their child to go through pain and suffering?  Then He reminded me that He sent His Beloved Son who was without sin to die a terrible death, to endure humiliation and pain and was guilty of nothing but loving His Father and loving me.  He had to go through all of that because He had a purpose on this earth and He was determined to fulfill His purpose.  I have to go through all of this because God has a purpose for me on this earth and I have determined that I will fulfill my purpose.  I would so rather go back to my empty life of work and busyness because it was easier and it hurt less (well so it seemed).  But to be honest with you I have nothing to show for it but regret, shame and even some sickness (mental and physical). 

So I am ready to do something different, something radical.  My way has not worked and in fact my way had me on the verge of losing my mind.  I am ready to really live, really get busy, and actually have something to show for it.

This is my journey to be more like Esther

Sleep

Sleep has been both a friend and an enemy of mine for years now.  I like to label myself an insomniac but I also have been diagnosed with depression.  So either I am up for hours, pushing through with little or no sleep or I am struggling to get out of bed trying desperately to hold on to the euphoria of escaping to a dreamless state for hours.  I have realized recently that this sleep thing for me is called a stronghold...any and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God (II Corinthians 10:5).  Anything that becomes a bigger preoccupation in your mind than the truth and knowledge of God, anything that dwarfs His truth and knowledge in your imagination is a stronghold. So if I have a relationship (sleep) through which I can no longer prioritize Christ and His Word...that is a stronghold (Beth Moore Get Out Of That Pit).  This sleep thing preoccupies my brain but only late at night and/or in the morning.  Either when I am having difficulty falling asleep or when I am having difficulty getting up!  I have made promises to God that I would wake up at a certain time and have quiet time with Him only to roll back over and hit the snooze button.  Then the guilt that comes with once again allowing sleep to take priority over my relationship with Him assuages me and I feel then I am not worthy or not disciplined enough to have a relationship that is meaningful to and with Him.  I think of all the sacrifices He has made for me, the physical and emotional pain He endured on my behalf, the millions of people who do not have 1/4 of the luxuries I enjoy, like a bed to roll over in, a bathroom that is just feet away without fear of being raped or killed, and hot water when I finally do decide to get out of bed and jump in the shower and I condemn myself and say...'it is such a simple sacrifice compared to the sacrifices millions around the world make to have a relationship with Him' and yet every morning I continue to roll over.  However, I tell people all the time God is so gracious, He knows what we are made of, He is in pursuit of our hearts, He continues to love us unconditionally.  I am sincere when I am sharing this with people fully expecting them to believe these things to be true and to accept it as truth in their lives yet I cannot accept it in my own life.  Then I began to feel defeated and living in a lifestyle of defeat and yes believe you me defeat becomes a lifestyle (Beth Moore Get Out Of That Pit).  So then my mind finally questions OK so who wins...the enemy for allowing me to 1) continue to be in this stronghold of sleep, 2) hold me in the stronghold of sleep by pulling me down with guilt and 3) allowing me to become comfortable in the stronghold or the pit, if you will, by creating a lifestyle of defeat that I think is a normal way of living.  Or does God win by reminding that His Word is true, that He does love me unconditionally, that He forgets my sins as far as the east is from the west, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that I am an overcomer and that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  So I am not perfect, I have a looooooong way to go, but just for today I am going to choose truth over lies and start stepping out of the pit, slipping away from the stronghold and knowing that it is not me who is doing the stepping or the slipping but that it is God.  Because I am going to roll over and hit the snooze button again, prayerfully not tomorrow (but I am human...that's what we do) but I also am going to believe that God is a God of another chance and that there have been so many strongholds that he has broken me from in the course of our journey together and there will be plenty more.  But becoming aware is a step and giving it over to Him is an even better step so at least I am moving forward and not backwards and I know I am not where I use to be but I am not where I once was.  So prayerfully, sleep here I come because another one of God's truths is He grants sleep to those He loves.  Goodnight ;-)

Book Club

I was in a book club for nine years.  Not one of those online deals or the buy three books get one free book clubs.  But a read a book a month, meet at each others homes, go out to eat, take trips together, raise our children together...real live book club.  When I first joined, there was an application process, I had to write an essay, get voted in by the founding members all that jazz.  So of course, I felt honored and like I had been invited to something special and for a time it was special.  However, over the years it became more like a snobby, cliquish, fashion show and no one wanting to go against the grain (or the brain) of the majority if you disagreed with the opinions of a book, and less like a book club where all opinions matters, we don't care if you just got off of work we are just glad your here and want to know what you are thinking kind of book club. So after nine years, I went against the grain.  I left, no bye, no telephone call, no letter just left.  They did not seek me out and I did not seek them out.  They were probably just as relived to see me go as I was to go.  But I missed it.  I missed the discipline of reading monthly and having differing opinions to argue over.  I missed the business meetings and learning about new authors that I would have never sought out on my own.  I missed the idea of a book club.  So after a two year hiatus, I was invited to join another book club and actually have and have taken the opportunity to start my own.  Tonight was my first night of the already established book club and it was definitely different than what I am use to being a part of but I can see myself going back.  Next week is the first night of the book club that I am starting and already I see it takes a lot of hard work and effort to pull this thing off but it has been exhilarating.  But I think the most profound thing I am learning from this experience is that God uses your passions.  I realize whatever I am going to be doing in the future does not look like what anybody else is already doing or has already done.  He has a million and fifty ways to use me and the gifts that He has given me and make it into whatever His plan and purpose for those who are apart of the journey and those who will be touched by those in the journey.  So as I reminisce on old things and contemplate on present things and dream about the future things, I realize I do not regret those nine years.  Those experiences taught me a lot and I plan on using the lessons.  Now as I start this new endeavor, I am excited and scared.  It does not have to compare to anybody Else's thing, it doesn't have to look, smell, taste or feel like anything else any one is doing just do what I do best and make sure He is all up in the middle of it all and everything else will fall into place!

Faith

Today was extremely difficult.  I guess I assumed that because I had done basically all the right things, like sowing good seeds, swallowing pride, being obedient and making significant (in my opinion) sacrifices, that everything would work itself out.  However, that disappointingly is not the case.  I am still in the same boat I was in last week, the week before that and even the month before that.  I guess my question is when does my faith become a tangible, material, visual thing.  I know I have so much to be grateful for, healthy family members, my own good health and an almost sane mind, hot water, a vehicle to drive hell access to the World Wide Web at the touch of my finger tips.  I do not want to seem ungrateful or even ungracious but I need more.  I am not sure what that more consist of but when does doing all the right things begin to reap a harvest.  I listen endlessly to others at the sake of my own peace of mind, I am kind, I am loving and I just want peace.  That does not seem to be much to ask for but so unattainable.  I do want to be more like Esther who faced adversity with strength and dignity.  I hope when those who know me well will be able to say that I too face adversity with quiet strength and dignity but in my quiet time alone I feel defeated, scared, maybe a little hopeless.  I am just ready to get to the queen part.  Or at least the 12 months of beauty treatments before I become queen.  I realize Esther had to leave behind all she knew and loved in order to walk into that new life and maybe it was not even a life she even desired but once you have stepped away from all you know to embrace a new life that was not in your plans but obviously in God's plans when do you start seeing the pieces falling together.  Today my faith was shaken.  Not broken or torn but shaken and I am going to do what my counselor friend tells me and others to do often, feel that feeling for five minutes and let it go!  I feel my disappointment, I feel my fear, I feel my doubt, I feel the uncertainty but I also know He has so much more than what I had expected to receive on today in store for me.  He has a future in store for me, a plan and a hope to do good and not to harm me and I do want that, I want what He wants for me.  I know there is no easy way through this journey or to bypass it somehow but it just gets scary some time and I need/want to be able to say that.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new promises and so hope is not lost in fact all things are possible for those who believe...maybe I can sleep now!

Becoming More Like Esther

A few months ago I stepped out on faith and decided to resign from my place of employment.  I was/am very certain that during a time of fasting and praying I was being obedient in that life choice.  Since then, I have lost some material possessions but I am not homeless, I have a vehicle to drive and my family is ultimately happy and healthy.  Due to this decision about 4 months ago, I have learned to live on the bare minimal which I did not realize I could do prior to July 2010.  I now turn off any lights in the house not in use.  I read more, watch television less.  I enjoy spending time with my family and this time last year I would have been obsessed with work/career and not sure what might have been going on in the lives of the ones I claim to most dearly love.  I have also learned to rely on my Higher Power, who I call God, to the utmost.  I feel it was His voice that led me to resign those months ago and yes I had a plan of action to provide for the basic needs of my household but that plan of action ended after 3 months of unemployment and now I am wondering OK what's next.  I guess that is what has led me to write this blog.  I am a huge social network fan and have no qualms about putting my business out there.  But I realized my closest friends on FB and Twitter have no idea that I am basically unemployed.  We go through the normal routine of talking ish and being nosey about what is going on in every body's lives but of course we only know what folks are willing to put out there. And you know that have to make themselves look good or at least they think they are making themselves look good...so I found myself in this last month of having to slow down, sit, think and learn that I really don't know anyone on those folks on social networks, I don't really care what they had for breakfast and I don't want to know if they are in a relationship or not.  Yet I have spent more hours than I care to admit online trolling through profiles and statuses and absolutely nothing in my life is the better for it!  So during a corporate fast at my church, I decided to fast the social networks.  Sounds easy right? Yep actually it was.  I thought when I signed out at 12 midnignt the day of the first fast I was going to go crazy but that only lasted for hmmmm moments.  As I found myself beginning to enjoy again things I once enjoyed like being outside (without the bugs) going to the library, reading and exercising.  I realized there is so much more to life than face book.  During the fast, one of my commitments was to complete the Esther Bible Study by Beth Moore.  It was exciting and I could not wait until the next day so that I could complete the next assignment.  Once that was complete I had an opportunity to watch A Night With The King, a movie based on the events of Esther and then began reading Chuck Swindoll's Esther A Woman of Strength and Dignity.  And although all three accounts had very different perspectives my journey now is to become more like Esther.  There are certain characteristics about this woman that I find intriguing and appealing and continue to be drawn to.  So as I am taking a break from the social networks and the endless trolling of other people's lives that have absolutely no significance on my own I am hoping to learn more about myself and the women I would like to become and the woman God created me to be and where He is leading me to next...I hope you join me on my journey :-)