Fly Eagle Fly

I had this really wonderful moment with God this evening and the sources of the experience came from two very different venues.  I love David Crowder's Oh How He Loves and had not listened to it this week and I am one who will listen to a song over and over and over again.  So I kept hitting repeat as I tried to convince myself of oh how He loves us (me). 

As I am repeating this beautiful song, trying to get it down in my spirit, my 8 year asked me to read his next unit reading assignment to him tonight as he was drifting off to sleep.  Usually I read one page and he reads one page but tonight I had the luxury of reading this story on my own and continued to read it aloud even past the steady breathing of my sleeping child. 

The name of the story is Fly Eagle Fly An African Tale retold by Christopher Gregorowski.  The first page of this children's story captured my attention.  It speaks of a lost calf and a farmer who searches over hillsides, through forests, and dangerous mountain cliffs to find his lost calf.  As I was reading this illustration, God spoke very clearly to me that this is how He searches for me.  If I get lost He will go High and Low, over rivers and valleys to bring me back home.  That realization alone on the first page of this story was enough to make me tear up and praise Him for loving me that much. 

But the story was not over.  The farmer did not find the calf but instead found a baby eagle who had been blown off his nest onto a mountainous cliff.  The farmer rescued the baby eagle and although he was returning home with an eagle and not his calf, on the way back to his farm he stilled called out for his lost calf (isn't that what God does...He keeps searching for us as He rescues yet another lost soul).  Thankfully the calf was safe at home when the farmer returned so then the story begins to focus on the baby eagle. 

The farmer decides to teach the eagle how to be a chicken.  Although he recognizes by telling his children that the 'eagle is the king of the birds but we shall train it to be a chicken'.  (wow haven't some of us been trained to be chickens even when others around us know we are the king of the birds). 

So all of this eagle's life he walks like an chicken, talks like an chicken and eats right along side the chickens never realizing it is an eagle.  Fortunately a neighbor becomes enthralled with this bird and commits to helping the eagle realize he was born to be and do much more than just being a chicken.  It took several trails but finally the eagle realizes its potential and soars into the sky never to be seen by chickens again. 

That is such a bad paraphrase of this story but oh how it touched me.  It was like God was saying to me I created you to be more than a chicken.  Although you walk like a chicken, talk like a chicken and eat with the chickens you were born to be an eagle.  It might take several trails for Me to get you to see your potential but I am enthralled with you and I am not giving up until you soar like the eagle you were born to be. 

Because OH HOW HE LOVES US SO...OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!

Burn Out

I have never been one to only have one thing going on at a time.  I have worked three jobs for as long as I can remember.  I have raised my children on my own.  I really try not to ask for help if I can absolutely help it and yet I realized that God pulled me from that way of living because He wanted me to find rest.  I was literally about to lose my mind because of all the responsibilities I held and had held for many many years.  But now I think I am finding myself back in the same situation but this time in the name of working for God.

I have commitments to someone or something every single day and rarely am I resting. And as I prepare for tomorrow I am finding myself resenting a leader in the church because they are expecting me to be at a certain place at a certain time or so I think they are, they probably aren't even thinking about me and my small role I play at the church.  My tiredness may be leading me to irrational thoughts and once I have kept my commitments I always feel like it was not as bad as I had envisioned it would be. Actually I never really envision any of my commitments to be bad I just literally have to motivate myself to go.  I always enjoy the time I spent with the people I committed to or the places I committed to being but why do I find myself dreading the actual act.  I just want to sleep but nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream. 

In my past life, when I finally laid down to rest I would replay conversations or situations and sometimes cringe with regret or question what did someone really mean by that?  In this life even though I am busy, I always lay down having known this was a good day and I truly made a difference.  So again, what is it that I am dreading?  Making a difference? Having a good day?  Or expending the energy it takes to actually have a good and meaningful life? 

I have such a long way to go.  It is like I am trying to sabotage the plan God has for me.  I am always getting in the way and I am so ready to be over myself!  So I will be where I said I would be at the time I said I would be there and I will like it and when I lay down tomorrow night I will say this was a good day :)

Rules

We started small group tonight.  I am a rule follower but I am learning God has His own set of rules and we have to learn to be pliable because we never know where He is going to take us but we will never know if we are bound to earthly rules. Don't get me wrong I know the scripture render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God.  I am not (hopefully) a law breaker (there are so many laws you really never know) like I am not going to blatantly break the law or even the rules of humanity.  Rules that keep us safe and laws that keep us civilized but I mean rules that state small group should be facilitated a certain way because that is what has worked for the leaders in the church but what if the dynamics of the small group that is together now is completely different than any small group that has been facilitated in the past.  AND what if the facilitator is completely different than facilitators in the past.  Isn't if God's group anyway and shouldn't we rely on how He wants it to be led and what topics He wants to come out and be healed through His word.  I want to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit and if the leading has nothing to do with the leader's guide but God's presence can be filled all throughout the place, I will follow God's rules any day of the week.  I think leader's guides are extremely helpful but I know God's leading ultimately trumps any guide.  I pray that I am not making this up but it is truly the will of God to set new rules and boundaries and that He remains all through this small group this season and its not about any one person but what ever good and perfect plan He has for all of our lives!  

Faith

This morning I woke up thinking I really do not want to do absolutely one thing today...but I am so glad I did not allow my flesh to win and moved on with my day.  I talked to some really intelligent and beautiful people.  I hung out with this cool chick.  I went places and read things I would have never imagined I would have went or read willingly.  Today was a surprisingly good day. 

The thing is God has many good days in store for me, I just got to move my feet and put some action with my faith.  I am memorizing scripture this year as part of the Beth Moore SSMT (you can get more info at the LPM blog).  The first scripture I memorized this year was even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone (James 2:17).  Today was proof of that.  I can believe God and have faith that He is turning my situation around all day long and all night long but until I actually get up and put one foot in front of the other that is all I am going to have is faith....I got to have some works behind my faith.  Not that there is anything in myself that can change my situation, if that were the case it would have been changed long ago.  But I have learned that me taking matters into my own hands often times does not get the results that I was hoping for.  But when I let God handle it the situation always turns out way better than anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined.  But I got to move. 

I remember hearing a preacher/teacher say once that until the Israelites put their feet in the Red Sea, did the Red Sea actually part on their behalf and they were able to see their path clear as day.  That is the same thing that happened to me today...until I move, even if I can't see where I am going, God has already opened doors and parted seas on my behalf but I got to put my feet in the water.  One foot in front of the other and eventually I will see a clear path.  Faith without works is dead.

Seemingly Unimportant Decisions (SUDs)

I waste so much time online.  I am a faster, I believe in prayer and fasting.  I have seen some amazing things happen during a time of prayer and fasting and so I decided to fast my social networking sites.  Usually when I make up my mind to do something I can more times than not stick to it.  So it feels effortless, not checking my facebook or twitter accounts but then I find other things to do online like bookworm or reading blogs. 

The whole point of prayer and fasting is not just to fast something but to replace it with prayer.  I have failed miserably.  I know God's grace is unending and He sees my effort but what am I depriving myself from by not being totally and completely sold out for God not just during a time of fasting but with my all the time? What is playing 30 online games going to add to the substance of my life or reading blog after blog (although interesting) going to change the way I live?  I do believe you can learn from others and I feel that I have learned from reading some blogs but the main One I want to learn from is getting a secondary place in the priorities of my life as I say to myself just play for a few minutes to quiet your thoughts or as I follow blogs about absolutely nothing that has to do with my life but I am just nosey and like to see what other people are doing. 

But God wants to know what I am doing.  He wants me to know what He is doing and really that is what I want.  I want dialogue with Him.  Spending 30 minutes with Jesus will quiet my brain in a way that book worm never can.  Being nosey about what God is up to will change my life in immeasurable ways.  I am getting better yet I still have a long way to go and I just ask Jesus to help me because I apparently will continue to make seemingly unimportant decisions daily that lead me further and further away from the greatest adventure I could have in my life.

Grace

I feel like I am having a ADD moment.  I have so many thoughts of things that need to get done I am not sure where to begin.  This is when the overwhelming feelings take over and I have to practice what I preach.  Take one day at a time....one moment at a time if necessary.

I was thinking earlier about how easily I allow one person to shake my world.  I thought I had out grown caring what people think or the trying to please everyone phase.  But as I am on this new journey, in this new place in life, I find myself reverting back to old behaviors, old insecurities.  This unfamiliar territory has me hyper vigilant about what people around me are thinking about me or have I offended someone or even at times asking myself 'I wonder if so and so likes me?' If that is not insecurity roaring its ugly head I don't know what is! 

So since I know that my mind is being renewed and I am aware that these thoughts are not of God, I then say aloud Ephesians 1:11a out of The Message It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  At the end of the day, I want to know who I am in Jesus and the purpose He has for my  life.  I don't want to be paralyzed by thoughts of wondering if someone (who is probably...no IS, as screwed up as I am) likes me or not or was offended by something I said or did.  I have a purpose and it would be a shame if I let some lady I hardly know and apparently has no desire to know me stop me from doing what I was put on this earth to do.

The other thoughts running through my head tonight (this morning) are in my commitments to serve.  I just realized I have overbooked myself and I am torn between equally important commitments.  If I were to have help both could be accomplished but what  I have realized is that when I made this commitment I did not ask God about one little iota of it! Now I am seeking His help and saying if it is Your will, You will work it out.  But He did not get me in this situation I did.  I had pledged, this year, to live by the scripture Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight.  So now my question is although I am the one who made the path crooked is it too late to give it to Him (acknowledge Him in my ways) so He can make my paths straight?  And then I become encouraged by this song I just recently heard by Point of Grace:

Chorus:
There is no valley, there is no darkness
there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.
There is no moment, there is no distance,
there is no heartbreak He can't take you through.
So before you think that you're too lost to save,
Remember there is nothing greater than grace.

So even if I might have made the paths crooked there is absolutely NOTHING I can do that when I turn to Him and say ok I have screwed up, I acknowledge You, please make my paths straight....guess what?  There is nothing greater than the grace of Jesus and for that I am thankful.

Sleep again....

It is 3:45 in the morning and this is the third night I have not slept.  I have been functioning, in my opinion, well with very little or no sleep.  I know why I am not sleeping.  I had a horrific nightmare (very rare) on Tuesday night and have not slept since.  I do not want the emotions of what happened in that dream to invade my heart and mind again.  But one of things that is weighing so heavy on my mind right now is the promise God makes in Proverbs that when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet (Proverbs 3:24). 

So the fact that I have made a deliberate decision not to fall asleep for fear of a recurring night mare or that I don't trust that He will make my sleep sweet, speaks volumes to me about my relationship with Him.  How much do I really trust Him?  Do I really believe that what He says in His Word is true.  Right now with it being 3:49 in the morning says to me uhhhhh NO!  And oh my how I hate to admit that but my words can say all day long that I trust Him, I believe His Word to be truth but my actions are speaking so much louder than my words. 

My actions of choosing not to ever fall asleep again is like a big slap in His face and I am basically saying to Him that I am going to take care of myself, protect myself,  because I do not trust You enough to do it for me.  That very response to God's promises scares me more than any nightmare ever could so in this moment I am choosing to trust Him, to believe Him to stand firm that when I lie down, I will not be afraid; when I lie down, my sleep will be sweet....Good Night!